jealousy
well i guess its kinda natural to feel jealous sometimes. like she gets betta marks, she is prettier, she can draw betta, she got sth and you didn't (like a lollipop), and many other silly or serious things. and you feel all squirmy and funny inside cos you don't like it. nobody does.
but does it have to show? could the person help it? she can't fail her tests on purpose. she can't give up drawing. and sometimes she can't help that she's got something you don't. but still the squirm takes over and you get angry.
over what?
and so your emotions take over and before you know it, you're jumping at her bones, faulting her every move, snapping at her, and blah. you're trying to put her down. to make yourself feel betta.
well then, is it working?
putting others down doesn't mean you're improving. in fact, you're detioriating. and so you make her unhappy but on the other hand you're not getting A1s or lollipops either. so what's the point?
she may have things you don't, but surely everyone has their ups and downs. everyone has their own special talents and personalities that make us all unique. no one has everything. no one can.
i think the best is still to reflect on what she has and you don't. and then try to improve yourself. you can't live your life trying to bring others down. you gotta give yourself some spunk and work upwards. and then you can feel betta and be proud of it.
and best of all, the squirm goes away. :0)
twirled into your arms at
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
-hum-
yay had english papers today that went quite well. the single-word essay question was "rest", and when i read it i wanted to scream aloud in joy. hahas. i could feel vanessa a few seats behind me almost waiting to jump about in a victory dance right in the middle of the hall.
you go gurl. i'll join you. :D
well as expected nessa wrote about suicide and i wrote about death. not that we are angsty or anth, but really it gives higher marks! esp nessa whose compos are always read out in class. like 26/30. her bringing out of emotions is amazing. when its sad, you wanna cry. when its touching, you wanna laugh and cry :0)
things are looking up for me, and i'm feeling betta. thanks to my frens who have helped me. and thanks okiku for praying for me. i know i've been whiny and complainy recently, so thanks for everything. and so bong can concentrate on studying. yays.
hahas feeling happy cos its a nice long friday aft alone at home. so peaceful. (STUDY STUDY). got ss on mon. oh gosh i hope i can make it through SBQ. please let this one SBQ like me. and let the one at Os love me.
btw nicC hope you get into your dream cca! hahas i'm confident you can make it. :0) but be very careful ok there's no bong to take care of you now. :D i'll prob join like cheerleading or sth along those lines. i hope okiku and vic will too.
and to those who asked my tunes are under "angel" and its a link. i'll change it every now and then. :0)
twirled into your arms at
Friday, August 25, 2006
filial?
i have heard of siblings hogging the com and then there are these squabbles here and there. but have you ever heard otherwise?
i have. and felt as well.
and the worst part is, i can't do anth about it. i can't snap at anyone. i can't throw things. i don't. i can't cry (not in front of you). God, i can't even show it on my face.
you take up the table and i can't study. you pile the food on your plate at dinnertime and eat in my room. i can't relax in my room when you're there. you use the com till wee hours of morn, with the light on, and with an eyebags-laden girl trying to fall asleep in your presence, under the light, above the noise of the mouse and keyboard.
so i get more eyebags.
and of course i can't use it. i can't talk to my friends. i can't check my mail. i can't go surfing. when i ask you for some time, you give me 5 minutes. or 10 at most. when i use it, you come back every 3 minutes to check and ask if i'm done. then, after 10 minutes you come in and stand behind me while i try to bid my friends goodbye up til i leave the com table.
and that leaves me fuming. i used to have at least fridays to talk to my friends. now i only have 2 to 3 exchanges with them before leaving. i can't call them on the phone and talk, your other half will then start to scream after 15 mins of phone time. i am as defenceless against both of you as a newborn lamb is against a tiger.
and you know it.
when you want something done, it has to be done. you ask me to get off the com, i have to. no faces, no expressing my anger. and definitely no talking back. no no. i might as well poke a tiger in his eye.
the best part? when i (used to) use the com for 45 mins, you would growl at me. or your other half would. for 1 hour, you'd start barking. now, you use it from dawn to dusk (and beyond), whenever you are at home. you don't watch television or eat with us anymore. not even when stephen chow does his ancient flying fairy kungfu on tv.
i have never talked back in my 16 years. because i owe you both respect. i only sometimes let my anger or upset show on my face. i cry only to myself, or draw, or write poetry, or dance. but then when i do, i get scolded. why am i crying and behaving like a baby, like a spoilt, self-pitiful teenager? why am i art-sing around and not studying?
i'm tired. but still, i can't talk back. i can't let my unhappiness show. i can't cry. i can't turn to arts. so it all goes inside. because i have my duty as a daughter. to study hard, to show you respect, to live up to your wishes. although with all this goes my dancing, singing, drawing, writing.
and just as i'm typing this post, you show up and tell me its your turn. ok. i'm leaving. now.
ONE MORE MINUTE. sorry to all my friends with whom the convos had to last only 2 exchanges or less.
ok, sorry you. i'm going off now.
twirled into your arms at
Sunday, August 20, 2006
laughing day
hahas today was laughing day! i dunno why its just that i laughed a lot today. until i had a tummyache. :0) blame it on PE!
we had like our own time to play whateva sports we wanted so a group of us chose soccer (i mean, to chase a ball for the love of it). hahas i was having a great time running after the ball and it was hilarious cos you see this poor ball flying in all the directions of a compass and a group of girls tearing right behind it.
see, rule of this girls' game was to get to the ball for all your worth. it really din matter where it went. :D really. there was a period of about 1 minute when our dear xinying was chasing the ball along the ENTIRE perimeter of the field behind the 2 goalposts. and about 6 girls running after her.
so anw there was this point of time nicC, vanessa, xinying and me were guarding the goalpost. we were kinda squabbling as the ball somehow keeps getting past me and nic was insisting i was to small to be a goalkeeper (HEAR HEAR). and then, in the middle of it all the blessed ball just flew right past the 4 of us and we were like, O.O
can you imagine?! 4 perfectly healthy and alive and kicking girls cannot block a goalpost about 1.5m wide. i could hear nic screaming internally (she never screams with her mouth). well anw after that i wisened up and developed a technique. i SCREAMED whenever i saw (or felt) the ball within 2m range. and everyone would drop wateva they were doing, like massaging their shins or blah, to crowd around the goalpost with me. it was a form of warning. i'm serious.
hahas. i was laughing along with everybody else throughout PE. it was one of the best we ever had. and hubby (i mean, nicC), thanks for helping me improve my soccer (if i ever had any sense of it).
tatas
twirled into your arms at
Friday, August 18, 2006
BOO
heyy,
i've decided to give myself a blog and i have absolutely no idea what to say. :0) hahas shall go study now its about time i start to focus on books instead of blogs.
huggs
twirled into your arms at
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
