filial?
i have heard of siblings hogging the com and then there are these squabbles here and there. but have you ever heard otherwise?
i have. and felt as well.
and the worst part is, i can't do anth about it. i can't snap at anyone. i can't throw things. i don't. i can't cry (not in front of you). God, i can't even show it on my face.
you take up the table and i can't study. you pile the food on your plate at dinnertime and eat in my room. i can't relax in my room when you're there. you use the com till wee hours of morn, with the light on, and with an eyebags-laden girl trying to fall asleep in your presence, under the light, above the noise of the mouse and keyboard.
so i get more eyebags.
and of course i can't use it. i can't talk to my friends. i can't check my mail. i can't go surfing. when i ask you for some time, you give me 5 minutes. or 10 at most. when i use it, you come back every 3 minutes to check and ask if i'm done. then, after 10 minutes you come in and stand behind me while i try to bid my friends goodbye up til i leave the com table.
and that leaves me fuming. i used to have at least fridays to talk to my friends. now i only have 2 to 3 exchanges with them before leaving. i can't call them on the phone and talk, your other half will then start to scream after 15 mins of phone time. i am as defenceless against both of you as a newborn lamb is against a tiger.
and you know it.
when you want something done, it has to be done. you ask me to get off the com, i have to. no faces, no expressing my anger. and definitely no talking back. no no. i might as well poke a tiger in his eye.
the best part? when i (used to) use the com for 45 mins, you would growl at me. or your other half would. for 1 hour, you'd start barking. now, you use it from dawn to dusk (and beyond), whenever you are at home. you don't watch television or eat with us anymore. not even when stephen chow does his ancient flying fairy kungfu on tv.
i have never talked back in my 16 years. because i owe you both respect. i only sometimes let my anger or upset show on my face. i cry only to myself, or draw, or write poetry, or dance. but then when i do, i get scolded. why am i crying and behaving like a baby, like a spoilt, self-pitiful teenager? why am i art-sing around and not studying?
i'm tired. but still, i can't talk back. i can't let my unhappiness show. i can't cry. i can't turn to arts. so it all goes inside. because i have my duty as a daughter. to study hard, to show you respect, to live up to your wishes. although with all this goes my dancing, singing, drawing, writing.
and just as i'm typing this post, you show up and tell me its your turn. ok. i'm leaving. now.
ONE MORE MINUTE. sorry to all my friends with whom the convos had to last only 2 exchanges or less.
ok, sorry you. i'm going off now.
